Posts tagged block

Why can’t I write my thoughts down? I would like to think that my fingers can’t really move across the keyboard quick enough to keep up with my head, but of late I’m starting to doubt whether I have anything of worth to write. Sure, for some people posting what they had for breakfast is as natural to them as eating said breakfast, but I feel I couldn’t articulate what I want to say in any format that would seem appropriate to anyone except me.

Take for example my storyline ideas. I’ve recently become very interested in the film industry – I have downloaded scriptwriting software, starting becoming familiar with editing and have applied for work experience at BBC film. I have endless ideas in my head for storylines for movies ranging from indie on shoestring budgets to huge blockbusters. The thing is, I feel all of them would seem surreal at best to anyone who doesn’t get my imagination. This probably sounds hugely arrogant from the reader’s point of view - “You couldn’t possibly understand my genius because you are not in possession of as incredible an imagination as myself.” Its a little more than self-centred, self-deprecation though.

The fact is, I doubt my ability to do almost anything. The only exceptions to this seem to be acting (which I’ve done a fair bit of) and possibly poetry. This has two major effects. Firstly, I do myself down at every opportunity. I suspect it becomes a little annoying to anyone who knows me – many of my sentences are punctuated by “know”, “I”, and “can’t”. The other is that I can come across as a bit of a praise whore. Any time I am actually complimented or praised for something I have done, I tend to try and squeeze it out for as long as possible in order to prop up my inner deflated confidence.

When it comes to ideas or storylines or theories or whatever, the fact is I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. In fact, I’m probably pretty shocking. However, this opinion may solely be a product of that deflated confidence I mentioned earlier. The real issue is that it acts as a fabulous disincentive for me to do anything. There’s an old saying that goes along the lines of “If you’ve never failed, you’ve never tried” and the fact that I don’t want to fail as I suspect I will, I don’t try. And that in turn means I don’t then take that first step to actually writing something, or speaking my mind, or one of a thousand things that might actually result in something worthwhile.

Then again, I might just be lazy. That’s also a possiblity.